''Maybe his nose reminds you of a grumpy old uncle, she’s three and not speaking fluently, he’s four and not ready for entrance exams yet. ''
''Your life isn’t the same, last months mag lies there unread, gosh, how can you focus on your career with not enough sleep? ''
No one warned you (it wasn’t even planned). Your relationship has changed so much, is this the life you wanted?
So you magnanimously act the caring mum, how will anyone know the thoughts inside you?
How will a baby be able know what is or isn’t there?
How much of our communication is non-verbal?
Our body language says what you cannot.
That dismissive glance, the shake of the head, tight fist, scowl, children understand tone of voice more than spoken words.
The effects of rejection, however slight, add up.
We all know people who leave home and not returned, clever children lost out there, children whose universe is inside their laptop.
No parent is perfect, how do we remember to cuddle and compliment when they are
wet & whinging, cross & crying ?
Parents often think telling their child what you don’t like will help him in the future.
The message of criticising, moralising & commanding is the message of unacceptance.
It’s a myth that all parents have a natural love for their children.
So if you’re beating yourself up with guilt how do you start to improve the bond?
Start by Accepting yourself, not liking yourself leads to projection of those beliefs,
Respecting and accepting yourself teaches others how to treat you.
Accept how you’re child is, nothing more and nothing less
When your child feels accepted as he is, he feels free to change and be more of him/herself.’
If you’re struggling to accept..comparisons, their demands, expectations...simply tell them how you feel, use an it-statement
“I’m too tired, I can’t play right now“ rather than “You’re a pest, I don’t care, come here now and stop wriggling”
If genuine love does not always emanate forth then build up to it, try smiling, humour, warm expressions, be real. Show respect and give attention instead of playing the role.
Remember, wanting children to be the same as you/ another equals non-Acceptance.
So, recognise reality and don’t attempt to change, appreciate and praise the good.
Accept it is as it is, no more and no less,
Stop caring what the world or your neighbours think,
Accepting your child as he/she is allows the good to come out.
Remember, criticism is seen as a threat even if it’s meant to be helpful.
If we criticise we motivate the emotions of fear, anxiety, self-contempt.
These emotions don’t help us feel better / build confidence, they help us feel bad.
So when next they’re crying and complaining stop the automatic parent, remember cuddles and compliments are needed.
Many of us haven’t yet resolved our own traumas,
Our internal reflections do affect our external reactions,
Building self-love will improve loving child-rearing.
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